Carpe Diem
by crazyinawf
Summary: AU. Before it all happened, Bella was already scarred from a complex life. Her family was falling apart before she was even born. Then she met the Cullens and Hales. Can they along with her family heal her or will she fall into her darkness. ALL HUMAN.
1. Prologue

**Prologue **

**Author's Note**: **I hope you all enjoy this. I know the prologue is vague, but well I still hope you enjoy it. Oh and the grammar mistakes. Yeah on purpose. This is actually my first story, so let's hope it's okay. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Twilight. Not the character or the plot. **

**Rest assured this is a Twilight story.**

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Carpe diem means seize the day. Yet, what day should we seize. The day when we lost everything and ourselves, or the day when we so tediously try to achieve our dreams and happiness. Which day is the best day. Is it when we feel protected from the world as we isolate everything, even us, when we feel content with our numbness. Or is it when we use all our energy searching for our dreams, yet are so exposed to the dangers around us; when we are living beings who are suddenly happy as we stumble upon a shinning hope, then depressed as we meet a dead end, then confused as we are lost. What do we want? A life filled with consistency or a life full of fluctuating events? Which is more worth it? Should we take a risk, ignoring all the possibilities of heartache, and try with all our beings to search for happiness, or should we protect ourselves and recluse ourselves in our content bubbles, without any chances for full happiness? So I ask again, what do we want. What do I want...

Despite all the smiles and laughter around me. Despite all the love and affection. Despite all the little children so full of innocence playing in the sandbox. Despite the cute little dog wagging its tail, waiting for the ball. Despite the glowing faces of my friends as they joke around. Despite the eye roll my brother always does when we argue. Despite the crinkles at the corners of my mother's eyes as she laughs. I want nothing more than the numbness. I crave it. I crave the ability to shed my fake smile and laughter and replace it with a face of nothing.

I wanted it all to stop. I wanted my friends to stop hurting when I always say I'm fine. I want my mother to stop worrying. Please stop. Please...

I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry I failed you, daddy. I'm sorry I failed you, mommy. I'm sorry I failed you, brother. I'm sorry I failed you, my friends.

I deserve it all. The sharp pain in my chest. The mental and physical exhaustion. I am gladly accepting my punishment.

But I need to protect all of you. I can see that my poor attempt to remain the Bella you know is causing you pain and frustration. I have to stop this, for all your sakes.

It's time to cut my ties. It's time for me to let go of everything I love, so you can all be happy. It's time…

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**That's the prologue. Please comment so I know if it's good. :) Greatly appreciated, crazyinawf.**


	2. Closed Eyes

**Author's Note: So yeah. Sorry about the short prologue. But here's chapter one.**

**Just a warning. This is a disturbing story...which is why it's rated M.  
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Chapter 1 – Closed Eyes

BPOV

My eyelids flickered when the morning light slipped through my curtains and temporarily blinded me. I forced my eyes open and slowly started processing the blurry images of my surroundings. It was a painful action I would have to do each morning for as long as I could remember. After lying in my squeaky bed for a long duration of time, I sat up and frowned. Perhaps most people groan at the invading light for waking them up so early in the morning but not me. I sighed because each time the light penetrated my eyelids I knew I had to face another day. I hated days. Days meant dragging myself through a series of pointless actions while being constantly bombarded by my loud and obnoxious internal voice. And how I hated that voice, yet I needed it. That voice became the source of my reason and logic. However, the things that come from it leaves me mentally exhausted throughout the day. The things were truths, reminding me of the countless mistakes I've made. It was my reminder, and I depended on it.

"Bella! Are you up? You're going to be late for school!" my mother shouted from downstairs, waking me from my wandering thoughts.

"Yeah. Give me a minute." I replied dully.

So what if I was late, I could care less. Slipping from my bed sheets I stood up and slowly walked to my bathroom. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, peed, brushed my hair, and tied my hair back to a messy ponytail. Stumbling back to my room I went to my closet and grabbed my favorite pair of loose jeans with a plain black top, making sure that I have slipped on my worn black jacket. I never leave the house without my jacket. Zipping it on, I stepped down my staircase while swinging my black backpack onto my right shoulder.

"What do you want for breakfast?" asked my mother.

Plastering a smile on my face, I grabbed an apple and happily said, "I'm just going to have an apple. I have to go to school. Bye mom."

"Bye" she replied curtly.

As I started walking towards the door, I can't help but feel guilty. My mom provided me with everything I needed, and all I show her is my fake little smile. I love her so much that I'm willing to do anything for her. But she is not a typical mom. Sometimes she can be so cold to you that you would think she hates you or she could be just subtly sweet and caring that you couldn't help but actually feel the concern pouring out of her. I sighed again. I truly don't deserve her or my friends. I like comparing myself with a snotty stuck up rich kid, since I'm probably worse than that kid.

I walked out the door and got into my beat up red Chevy truck. Mom always insisted I buy another car or at least drive one of our spare cars. We aren't poor by any means. Who am I kidding, we're pretty well off, not that many people know that. It's possible that only my friends and their families know. My mom drives a Mercedes Benz, not just one too. We have three of those in our garages along with a BMW. But my truck is my baby, I wouldn't give it up for anything. Waiting for the load roar when the engine starts, I grabbed my I Pod from my backpack and plugged the earphones into my ears.

Green, wet, green, trees, grass, moss, wet, green….it's the same thing over and over again. Who in the right mind would ever live in Forks is beyond me. Then again, I'm living in this remote little wet town. How pathetic.

Thank goodness not many cars were on the road since it is such a small town. Besides if Forks was like a city then I would've crashed by now, after all I'm barely paying attention to what I'm doing.

That was me. Isabella Marie Swan. The girl who always had her mind on something else other than what she was actually doing. It's probably why I trip all the time anyway.

"Forks High School" were the words carved into the almost rotten wooden board right in front of the same goddamn ugly school. Ugh, I hate this place. Giggle, laughter, fake hair tossing, batting eyelashes, gossip, giggle, gossip, giggle. Wow would you look at that. It's the same thing as Forks! The same thing over and over again. No wonder this stupid school is located at this boring yet annoying location. I swear if it weren't for the fact that my friends were at this place, I would've left this dump. Of course no one knows that. Hell, people don't really know just how different I am than what I pretend to be.

Then I saw it, or _them_. Five unearthly beautiful people standing by their shiny flashy cars. Why were they waving at me in my big old rusty truck with big smiles on their faces? Oh wait…That's right, they are my best friends. My god I don't hold a stick against them. It's hard to imagine these people would even associate with me, much less consider me as part of their group, their best friend. I'm just Bella, a girl who's plain on the outside with a disturbed mind. I might as well be a classified under a special label called plain girl showing crazy attributes. Quite sad though, seeing that I would probably be the only one under that category. It would be rather lonely…ah but that's what I want anyway.

Sighing again, I parked next to the shiny Volvo which belonged to my beautiful bronze haired best guy friend, Edward. Turning off the engine I swung my back pack onto my back again and plastered another smile on my face, again. Notice a pattern yet?

I glanced around and immediately spotted a screeching little creature who I dared call my friend. That creature is called Alice Cullen, who by now has actually skipped over to me and gave me her customary tight hug while beaming at me with her thousand dollars straight white teeth. She was always the bouncy one who positively always literally radiated an excited energy which she seems to be able to direct it at everyone in her near vicinity with her spiky black hair and her big brown eyes. With her short and skinny figure, I would've suspected that she would at least run out of energy by the end of the day. Unfortunately that's not the case. At the end of the day she looks just as perfect as she does after she just carefully applied make-up and dressed in her very stylish cloths. You see she and I were exactly opposites. She was the bubbly soda after pop rocks are added, while I was the deflated flat sugary sweet soda, which leaves a horrible after taste. Every day she was the one who would chastise everyone who didn't wear the cloths she picked out for them. Apparently our style is soooo outdated(not including Rosalie, since she's as fashionable as one could get without becoming like Alice), according to Alice.

However even though Alice might be a major fashion control freak with an unhealthy obsession of shopping, she was one of those best friends that everyone wished for. Smart, funny, bubbly, outgoing, sweet, caring, and gorgeous. Not only her, in fact it was all my friends.

There's Rosalie Hale, who might at first act like a cold hearted bitch with a blonde blue-eyed model look, but once you know her she's one of the most dependable person to count on. She would not hesitate to pick a fight with anyone who messed with her friends. Then there's Emmett McCarthy, who is Rose's huge six feet five body building machine of a boyfriend. But really, he's just an immature cute teddy bear on the inside. Once you look at his face with his curly brown hair and mischievous brown eyes, you can tell he's one of the sweetest people you would ever meet. Plus with his muscles you definitely wouldn't have to worry about your safety, since he'll probably pummel everyone who insults you, but that's after he offers Rose a good shot first. See, such a sweet couple. That was sarcastic, but joking aside, seriously he and Rose make a perfect couple, with Rose keeping Emmett's childish nature in check. Emmett's probably one of the only people who can placate Rose when she's in her pissed mood with the glaring icy blue eyes and a walk that just screams "Fuck with me and you die!" Nope definitely don't want to get on either of their bad sides.

Not to be out done, there's Jasper Hale. He and Rose are adopted cousins, since Rose's uncle adopted Jasper when he was 4. However with his blonde hair and silverfish blue eyes, Jasper can even pass as Rose's brother. Furthermore he's Alice's boyfriend, which completely makes sense. Alice is the jumping little child, while Jasper is the tall calm guy. He's probably the only one capable of putting up with Alice all the time. They are a perfect fit in every ways and perfectly balanced. Besides they're one of those couples who have those weird little silent conversations with eyes thingy. They are completely tuned. How can they not, seeing as Alice snatched Jasper away from the dating pool since they were in kindergarten. She practically declared that they are going to get married in the future in front of the whole class and both their parents, which is most likely going to be true. We deemed Alice as the psychic.

At last there's Edward Cullen, my best friend. He's actually Alice's brother. Well Alice was adopted, so they aren't really siblings. Like me he is the "third wheel", meaning both of us are the ones without a partner. Though unlike me, Edward is the more godly one. He's tall with a unique shade of bronze as his hair color and deep green eyes. He's not huge like Emmett, but he isn't lanky like Jasper. With his good looks, he's been dubbed the most eligible guy in the dating pool. Poor Edward always has some girl clinging on to him, desperate for his attention. Especially that shank, Lauren and her posse. They are the most annoying, loud, boring, dumb, and screeching girls I've ever met. I wouldn't put it pass them for thinking of buying superglue so that they can glue themselves to Edward forever.

Speaking of gluing…Alice, in her typical fashion, screamed in my ear as she hugged my tightly with her thin little arms, "Bella!"

Pretending to be the good old Bella my friend knew I hugged back and sweetly said, "Morning Alice."

"Hey how come only the shortie gets to have a greeting! What about the rest of us?" pouted Emmett.

Sighed yet again, I greeted once again, " Morning Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, Edward. Satisfied?"

The group smirked together and chorused, "Yep!"

It's still so freaky when they do that. It's like they planned on replying the same thing at the same time. By now I joined the little circle of the gorgeous beings while hugging my jacket, making sure I did bring it.

I glanced at the group and asked, "Do you guys always have to reply at the same time?"

"Yes!" Ugh. They did it again! It's such a disgusting display of close friendship that it made me internally want to vomit. Yeah I know. The outside Bella and the inside Bella are completely different. I rather like to think that the inside me is more like the sadistic and devilish version me, like the angel and devil theme.

Anyway, moving on from my demented mind, I noticed Alice was actually talking to me in her 100 miles per minute talk. And my friends actually just stood there observing the situation. Edward was just smirking; Emmett was loud right smiling like a cat eating canary; Jasper and Rosalie were just giving the little smile thing. What good friends they are, seriously, leaving me to defend myself against Alice's tirade. I better pay attention to what she's actually saying though.

"Bella! Bella! Bellaaaaaaaaa!" chirped Alice.

"Yes, Alice." I sighed.

"Were you even listening to what I was just saying?" Alice raised her perfectly groomed eyebrows.

"Uh….yes?" Crap, I have no idea what to say. Oh well it's not like I've been listening to what my friends say anymore recently. I'm quite comfortable in my own little world.

Edward snorted "Yeah right," he coughed

"Bella! How come you never listen to me! Especially when I give you fashion advice." Uh oh…here it is. Before I would find this amusing, but now I feel indifferent about the "Alice fashion spewing moment". Rolling my eyes to myself, I was thinking if she could ever actually take a break for once. It's like she practically lived off fashion, which she probably did.

"Why are you always wearing that hideous jacket! It's plain and black! Black! Not even a color!"

"Alice…black is a color" I replied with no emotion whatsoever.

"No it's not! It's an awful creation of nothingness! It's not a color! Why are you hiding your prettiness with that boring jacket and jeans. Not to mention you're wearing your old black converse. Again!" I think she's hysterical. She's shaking and her eyes are so huge you could probably shove a tennis ball into her eyes. Oh she's wringing her hands. Yup, she's hysterical.

I totally have a routine. I wear the same types of cloths and do the same things. I'm probably a robot hiding under human skin. And I absolutely adore my shoes and jacket; they're family! Nothing Alice says will make me stop wearing them. Besides I'm always wondering if she's secretly on drugs. There's no way I'm pretty. We've gone over this a lot of times.

"Come on. Give Bella a break Alice. You know she's not into fashion as much as you." chipped in Edward. Oh, so now they intervene.

"Alice, honey. Calm down." said Jasper. His hand rested on her shoulders as if trying to restrain her. Told you he was Alice's calming pill. With his hand on her she actually stopped shaking.

Alice actually looked depressed when she realized all her talking wouldn't change anything. Nonetheless she still whined, "But but but Jasper! Look at her! She drowning herself in those rags called clothes!"

Not able to restrain himself more, Emmett finally started laughing. "Pixie, you know she's in love with those so called rags. Bella is Bella after all. If she didn't have her jacket I would probably burst a vein." Standing in her defiant little stance, Alice put her hands on her hips and glared at Emmett. It's actually quite comical since Alice really does look like a pixie staring at a giant.

Reinforcing that, Emmett chuckled, "Haha, you and Bella are great entertainment! Especially so early in the morning. It's almost as good as what Rose and I do in the morning."

"I don't think we need to know that Emmett." I said, while others around nodded in agreement. Edward actually looked a bit distuarbed.

Doesn't matter, Emmett totally asked for it. Smack! See, Rose just slapped him on the head, rather hard too. Now she's glaring at him. What's with all the glaring this morning?

Emmett whined pitifully at Rose, "What was that for?"

Rolling her eyes while picking at her fingernails, Rose said, "Stop being so immature and crude. And for that little comment you aren't getting any this week."

"But baby! Baby wait!" Emmett complained. They do this every day. Emmett whines, Rose smacks him, and everyone else just ignores them while going back to talk, waiting for the bell to ring.

"So Bella what do you want to do this weekend?" asked Edward as he casually leaned against his sleek Volvo.

"Um. The usual. Read, listen to music, do some homework." I replied nonchalantly. I'm not lying; that's what I literally do each day. Well that's not including my more private affairs. Not that I need to tell him. It's private for a reason. For all I know if he and the rest knew they would flip a bitch and smother me to death with their overcaringness.

"Hm. That sounds good. I guess we can do some homework together and listen to some music. Besides I totally have the better music taste." Edward grinned. His eyes had that usual twinkle when he was playing around with you.

Allowing myself to smile a bit, I said "Yeah, why not? I'm sure we're going to your place over the weekend like always. I guess I'm cooking again."

He raised an eyebrow and voiced "If you don't cook then who is gonna cook an edible meal for all of us? You remember the times when each one of us tried to cook. We almost blew up the chicken and the kitchen and you looked like you were debating whether you should faint of smack each of us with a frying pan."

Oh yeah. That was the most horrifying yet funny sight I've ever seen. Everyone was covered with something. Even Rosalie had somehow managed to get onions in her hair. Poor Alice looked lost with eggs all over her designer clothes. Yup funny sight. Still I can't believe they tried to cook! Were they trying to poison us all?

Hearing that, Alice interrupted and indignantly huffed "Hey! We weren't that bad!"

Blinking at Alice like she just said the dumbest thing(which she did), everyone besides me said " Alice, we almost mutilated the kitchen. The chicken was on fire!"

She huffed again. By that time everyone was laughing, remembering the faces Esme and I had when we saw all of them covered with ingredients and the kitchen looking like fireworks had gone off in it.

Those really were good times. That was about 2 years ago. It seemed like such a long time ago; too many things changed since then. Though we were all joking and laughing together I could tell something was different. Vastly different. There was certain tension between all of us, or rather it was all centered around me. It meant one thing only: they were worried about me. They have been for such a long time, along with my mother. I could laugh or smile, but was never that genuine. My friends could tell how forced some of my reactions were, and they were worried. They've been worried for a long time, since we knew each other. I didn't exactly have the perfect family. But only these past few months have my mental condition deteriorated, and it was a bit obvious. I've lost weight. I have dark circles under my eyes along with eye bags. I stopped wearing other colors other than black or dark blue and brown. More importantly I always have that far off look in my eyes, thinking about something other than the present. I became almost like a haunting ghost and was slowly losing myself. I won't lie, I know this. I know I'm becoming more of a shell than anything else. I know my friends and family knew what happened to my family. What they didn't know was what I was thinking to result in my recent behavior.

The best way to describe what's happening to me is that I'm breaking. That's it.

With the parking lot emptying we realized that the bell rang, and we all rushed to our classes. Everyone was running in the hallways, trying to make it to class on time. It was like school traffic hour. I sighed again in my head of course. Things really have changed. I'm already a junior along with Alice, Edward, and Jasper. Rose and Emmett are already seniors. Classes were boring as usual. I sat in the back of the room, doodling on my paper and sinking into my well of depression.

You're wrong! Guilty! Bitch! It's all your fault. You should just disappear. My head was screaming at me.

Stop, stop it! Wrong! Pathetic. Worthless.

Oh god. I'm so tired. My internal voice should shut up, but it's right. No! Don't shut up! Keep yelling!

All your fault…all my fault…

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Finally I'm half way through hell called school. I grabbed an apple for lunch and sat at our usually table. Everyone else was already there. Jasper glanced at my apple and ask, "Is that all you're having?"

Damn it Jasper, he was always the more observant one, but it didn't matter anymore since it seemed like everyone was observing my every move.

I just shrugged at him. Then they did it. Everyone, all five of them, glanced at each other with a concerned expression. By now I've just learned to ignore it and continue on with my thinking.

"Bella you really should eat more." Edward said furrowing his eyebrows. Everyone was watching me, again.

"I'm fine. I'm not hungry." I automatically said. That's really my automatic reply now- "I'm fine". I mean what else am I supposed to say? Oh I'm drowning in self resentment and am going crazy with guilt.

Ha! Unlikely.

No one said anything and just went back to eating. That's how they acted now. Concerned yet cautious around me. They were treading carefully, dancing around me, hoping they would get some answers. Psh like that would happen. The one time someone did ask me what's wrong, or tried to make me tell them why I was acting the way I was, I closed up. I ignored them for a week and only listened to my music. After that they knew not to ask me such questions again or even attempt to comment on my attitude, even when I said fine all the time. They just frown, but don't ask much. Which is good because I would've been annoyed like shit if they kept asking. That doesn't mean they've given up. They always have secret conversations together, though they didn't know that I knew that. I guess they just assume I don't really pay attention enough to notice what they're doing. I guess I am, but I am particularly sensitive to even a slight mention of my name. I tense up and listen. So yeah I do know what's going on, just not about other useless things like laughing about some stupid story.

Before I knew what happened, lunch passed. I spent most of my lunch, chewing on my apple and occasionally nodding, smiling, and even inserting a few words here and there. But they weren't fooled. They knew my mind was on something else, which it was, basically wondering about my friends' actions around me and how pathetic I am.

So then classes started again. And I sat and doodled. It was the same as this morning and any other class period.

My fault. My fault. Fix it! Disappear.

Wrong. You're wrong.

Guilt…

Then it was quiet.

The familiar feeling of craving reared its ugly head again during my last period. I hate it when it happens at school because I become fidgety and starting bouncing my knees and going absolutely crazy with desire. A feeling of restrain coursed through my chest and stayed there. I wanted the release desperately. There was nothing that could hold my attention.

The room started spinning. I glanced at the clock, 34 more minutes, 31 more minutes. My eyes were darting around back and forth on my paper as my hands couldn't stop moving as it scratched out my previous doodle.

Oh god. How much longer. I want it!

1 more minute. 55 more seconds. 1 more second.

As soon as the bell rang I rushed out, I dumped all my things into my backpack and rushed out the building, ignoring the pouring rain, and climbed into my truck. I saw the familiar concerned faces of my friends as I put my car in reverse. Giving them one last glance, I backed out of my lot and drove home as fast as I can.

Once in my driveway I forced my pounding heart to calm itself. I gave myself a lookover in the mirror and plastered a smile on my face. I opened the door and casually said, "Hey mom. I'm home."

Mom was in a better mood and happily said hi.

Then she looked at me. "Why are you all wet?" she gasped.

"Oh. It was raining and I was too lazy to get out my umbrella. You know me." I shrugged.

"Oh," rolling her eyes she replied, "You're always so lazy and clumsy." I want it! You know you do! Shut up! Just a few more seconds then I can leave.

I laughed and said, "I'm going to take a shower." Ha! It was perfect. Stupid rain actually did some good. Shit, the craving is coming up.

Take it! Get it! Release!

I'm going to break soon.

Before hearing my mother say okay I ran up the stairs and started stripping. I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and turned on the water. I grabbed my most important tool and slipped into the shower. I looked down on my arm and quickly started slashing my precious scissors along my forearm marred with scars of various sizes and recent red cuts. As soon as I feel the pain I sighed in relief, as the tightening feeling in my chest disappeared.

That was what I craved- the pain. It was indescribable. The moment the beautiful long red cut appeared on my arm I smiled wistfully. The sharp pain gave me a jolt and woke me up for just a moment before working like a drug. No more voices. No more shouting. This was heaven and hell. It was content.

Closing my eyes slowly I relaxed under the warm stream of water, the red of my blood mixing with the water as the diluted color swirled down my drain.

Yes this was my heaven. My secret heaven that I guarded with a passion. No one can know.

No one.

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**Hope no one was too disturbed. Please comment!**

**Thanks! - crazyinawf  
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